Growing up in church was like a checklist in my life. I went through many church practices and recited many prayers, but did not understand why I was doing these things. To me, it just felt like doing a bunch of chores and if I didn’t complete the task I was in trouble or God was looking down on me. All through high school, I never got into partying but I was definitely living for myself. After high school, I went on to pursue an athletic scholarship at Harding University. It was a private Christian college in Arkansas. I remember being 6 hours away from home and joining a team where I knew no one. During preseason I discovered that most of the seniors were arrogant and degrading to the rest of the team. This totally killed my confidence going into the season. But my solution was to get these guys to like me so I could regain my confidence. So I decided to attend their parties on the weekends. I was trying to figure myself out, which led to sinful actions in order to get approval from others. I was always the one trying to say or do something to get people to laugh or have a good time. I was the life of the party. I continued to live for worldly pleasures, not only through drugs and alcohol but through consistent hookups with women and pornography. I wanted to feel important, have fun, and make something of myself. I was constantly looking for instant gratification in my sinful actions. I also felt like I was forced to live for God and follow a bunch of rules at a Christian college, which made me become more rebellious. It was like my childhood all over again. But one significant night after weeks of living for the flesh, I woke up in tears. I was completely empty inside. I felt called to nothing else but to get on my knees and pray out loud. I shared a room with a friend on the soccer team and thankfully he was not there at the moment. I remember calling out to God, pouring out my heart to him even though I had no idea who our God truly was. I did not know who I was praying to. I just prayed and cried out.

After a year, I decided to transfer back home, because I could not see myself there anymore. I came home to Dallas and met a girl that I really liked. When we started dating, I realized we came from different religious backgrounds. We had heard about the porch at Watermark Church which was a young adult ministry where thousands gather weekly and worship Jesus.  I was open to going because deep down I’ve always wanted a faith life but I’ve had terrible experiences with it all. The crazy part about this all is a couple of weeks prior, I heard a loud pop in my ankle in the first game of my semi-pro soccer season. Turns out I dislocated a ligament and needed surgery.  I was out for the rest of the season and all of our practices were on Tuesday nights, the same night as the porch and I could no longer attend those. Soccer was my life and I made sure I was at every practice, but God allowed that injury to change my life. On my first night at the porch, the worship began, and I was startled. I started looking around to see people raise their hands worshipping God and singing their hearts out to the lord. I did not understand that desire and affection for him like others but their was something different about the atmosphere and the joy in the people that I couldn’t ever find in church. After the first night,  I remember wanting to come back again. Before we attended the next porch, my girlfriend and I spent a day at the park. I remember weeping in tears because I didn’t believe I was able to surrender my life to Jesus even though my heart was longing for him and I felt his tugging on my heart. I didn’t ever think I could change and walk away from the life I was living. It was my identity, it was who I was. We kept coming for a couple of weeks and one night after hearing the gospel, the good news of Jesus I accepted him into my life as Lord and Savior. I understood that all of the sin and shame I was carrying was nailed to the cross. He met me where I was and brought me back to Dallas so that I could be in right relationship with God, because of what Jesus did for me. He welcomed me in with an abundance of grace and mercy, forgiving me of every past, present and future sin, because of my faith and belief in him as the payment for my sin. The Bible says "God demonstrates his own love for us in that, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." I couldn't clean myself up and then bring myself to God, his blood poured out was more than enough to cleanse me from all unrighteousness. I don’t have to strive for perfection, because he did that for me. God took on flesh in the person of Jesus and was perfect. He never sinned once and then died in our place so we could have eternal life with him forevermore. I was a qualified candidate for someone who needed forgiveness from Christ. It was never about what I can do for him perfect Holy God, but all about what he did for me and resting in his finished work on the cross. Most people think of our God as someone to run from when we mess up. Many believe they are too far gone or too deep in sin for God to love them, but his love is unconditional and it remains the same forever, despite how far we run. The bible says "where sin increased, grace abounded all the more."  He is not a distant God, he is interceding for us through the person of Jesus Christ. (Hebrews 7:25) and pursuing our hearts for the rest of our life. The Bible says "he who knew no sin became sin for us so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." There is nothing that I can do to make my God love me more or less. He has brought so much peace and joy into my life, no matter the circumstances I encounter, and the freedom in Jesus does not compare to anything in this world!

" And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully." Ephesians 3:14

 "My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me." Galatians 2:20

There is hope and confidence only found in Christ and he will sustain me until the end. Jesus walked this earth to "seek and save the lost" and he found me in my dirt and made me new, not better! (2 corinthians 5:17) I am no longer a slave to the addiction of pornography and seeking approval from man, but I’ve been set free from the power of sin! I am fully known and loved by Christ!